can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
