Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
