if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
