You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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