So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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