Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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