Pants 0. Shit 1.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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