I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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