also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
