yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
