so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
