i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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