so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
