just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
