My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
