It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
