A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
