i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
