A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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