1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
