9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
