Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
