Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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