If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake