The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You are a genius and a whore.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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