I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Everclear isn't food dammit
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
