nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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