My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.