Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
