im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
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THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.