go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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