the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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