bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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