Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
