When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dick very happy bro
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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