I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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