sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
