can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
