does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
