I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
