I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
