i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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