just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
