So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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