Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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