ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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