so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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