I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
