I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
