whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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