I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
