He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
