dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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