i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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