Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
