I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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