My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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