I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
