oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
