I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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