drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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