when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
